


Welcome Home

by mystery_deer



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Bad Puns, Fluff, I write for my interests and my interests are boring, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Married Couple, bc this is essentially just them having a normal conversation, but it really really is just implied, guess which eps these take place after, no plot just two guys going about their day loving each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:20:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21775885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mystery_deer/pseuds/mystery_deer
Summary: Holt comes home from work and tells Kevin about his day while doing various domestic activities
Relationships: Kevin Cozner/Ray Holt
Comments: 14
Kudos: 170





	1. Chapter 1

“How was your day?” Kevin asked, contemplating a piece of art hung on the wall of the living room. He seemed to studying the intricacies of the abstract painting but in reality he was debating whether the frame was skewed slightly to the left or if it was a trick of his eye.

“Awful.” Raymond declared forlornly. “Sharon had a baby.”  
“Oh!” Kevin exclaimed, turning to face him. “Oh?” He asked again, noting that Raymond’s face was impassive at best.

“That’s not the awful part. I had to talk to Frederick.”  
“Duck man?”  
“The very same.”  
Kevin was well aware of Frederick. One of their first few dates they had gone to the park and fed the ducks which had apparently been something of a sore spot for his then-new boyfriend.

Though that might have ended things quite poorly for other couples Kevin had instead remarked “So your ex is a quack doctor?” and Raymond had laughed far harder and longer than Kevin knew his little quip deserved. 

“I love that!” Raymond had exclaimed, wiping tears from his eyes. “Oh you’ll have to do one for Wunch sometime.”

Raymond took off his coat and sunk into his favorite chair, eyes ablaze with indignation.

“And to top it all off I spent the whole day essentially quarantined away from Sharon because she despises me.”

“I’m sure she doesn’t despise you.” Kevin said, lying through his teeth. Not that the woman didn’t have a reason.

He remembered vividly Sergeant Jeffords’ account of their first meeting, Raymond constantly slipping on a conversational banana peel and attempting to right himself only to slip once again. It was brutal and he wasn’t even there in person.

“You know how you get around pregnancy.”  
“No I don’t Kevin How Do I Get?” He snapped, each syllable perfectly enunciated. Oh dear…it wasn’t just a trick of the eye, the frame really was crooked.

“You act like a robotic pervert instead of the sensitive, rational man I know you to be.” Kevin said, righting the frame and looking satisfied at his work. There, perfectly even. “You get anxious.”

“My Sister Never Complained About It.” Raymond articulated sharply.  
“Your sister is the kindest, most loving woman I’ve ever met. She is also not the spearhead of social grace that you imagine her to be.”  
___________  
(Flashback:  
Raymond, Kevin and Debbie are sitting in the living room at Debbie’s house. Her husband is presumably in the kitchen due to the noise.

“I’m telling you guys, my breasts feel like they’re full to bursting! It’s awful.” She moans cheerfully, taking a bite of a cookie. “Oh my god is there pecans in this?”

“Yes.” Kevin says, eager to change topics.  
“Is there…anything that can be done about your…” Raymond asks.  
“Breasts? Nah, just gotta suffer through!”  
“I see.” Raymond nods gravelly.  
“There’s also cinnamon.” Kevin adds, desperate.)  
___________  
“Is this in your opinion?” Raymond asks, finally allowing his words to soften into normalcy. Kevin turned to face him.  
“My opinion is the public opinion.”

Raymond sighed and leaned forward, head propped up by his fist. Kevin chuckled, amused.  
“Deep in thought?” His husband nodded, unaware of the joke. This only made it funnier and Kevin had to excuse himself from the conversation momentarily to fill Cheddar’s food dish.

As he closed the cabinet door that contained Cheddar’s dog food he was met with his husband’s beleaguered face behind it.

“I just…am not used to people thinking my behaviour inappropriate.” He admitted woefully.  
Kevin kissed him.  
“That is not an adequate response.”  
He kissed him again.  
“Kevin.”

“You and Sergeant Jeffords are very good friends, why not simply discuss the matter with him? You and your squad certainly have demonstrated an emotional connection.”

Raymond’s eyes rose to the top corner of his socket in annoyance. “How do you suggest I do that? I can’t just ask him ‘Sergeant Jeffords what would be the best way to woo your wife?’”

“Well, certainly not using those words.” Kevin sighed, handing the bag to Raymond who dutifully filled Cheddar’s bowl. “You sound as if you’re attempting to court her.”

“Why don’t we have a dinner party?”  
“We cannot keep having dinner parties with your colleagues as parts of larger schemes.”  
“I agree, but…the circumstances.”  
Silence.  
“Kevin, the circumstances are dire.”

Kevin had suddenly become anxious about whether or not he’d assigned his students homework. He knew he had in person but he was not the savviest with computers and the college had recently digitized…if he had neglected to post a Turnitin link he would be receiving so many emails…

“Should we invite Frederick as well?” He remarked offhandedly.  
“Do not joke about such a thing.”  
“Yes, yes. Do you know where my computer is?”

A few minutes later Raymond was making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to calm his nerves and Kevin was sitting on the couch making sure he had posted the link. He had of course, he’d planned meticulously. To avoid such anxieties. It had clearly worked wonders.

“If we are to host another dinner party with the intent to scheme our way into peoples’ good grace and not just to have a pleasant evening with friends like normal couples…” Kevin began. Raymond looked ready to protest but was inhibited by the sandwich he was in the process of chewing on. He decided it would be more rude not to continue, leaving silence to flounder between them.

“…Then we should pull out all the stops. Why don’t I make…bread.”  
“Bread?” Raymond asked, swallowing. “I hardly think that’s enough to impress them. Not that your bread isn’t lovely it’s just…”

Kevin held back a comment about feeling like Nancy Reagan. “What about…pumpernickel bread?” Raymond raised an eyebrow then let out a thoughtful sound as he took another bite. Kevin noticed a dollop of jelly drop to his shirt collar and he longed to wipe it off. 

“I like it. Will it be too obvious we’re attempting to impress them?” Raymond asked.  
Kevin widened his eyes meaningfully. What else could they possibly assume? Really, Pumpernickel? They might as well be serving the wine in bejeweled goblets. 

“Yes, you’re right.” Raymond agreed despite his husband not saying anything out loud. “There’s no way around it. We will have to grovel.”

Kevin shut his laptop and watched his husband as he chewed. His jaw looked especially handsome today. “Am I to grovel now too?”

“We are going to grovel as a family.” Raymond asserted, moving his hands so Cheddar would not try to jump and lick them. “No, Cheddar this is human food. We just gave you food for dogs.”

Cheddar persisted in his goal of licking Raymond’s hands clean and both men admired him. Truly inspiring, their dog was absolutely one of a kind.

“Are you refusing to eat because it’s a new brand?” Kevin asked. Cheddar’s tail began to wag, excited by the attention. “Just like Raymond, I swear. Well I won’t ask you to compromise your values. First thing tomorrow we’ll get you your old brand back.”

Cheddar whined and pawed at Kevin’s slipper. 

”Absolutely not, now eat your dinner.” Raymond admonished and pointed to the kitchen, where Cheddar slinked off to after a moment or two of patient silence. “Honestly I have no idea where he gets it from.” He said, hiding a piece of crust in his napkin to sneak to the dog later.  
________

That night as they were preparing to go to bed Kevin suddenly peered out from the bathroom. “Why exactly did you go speak to Frederick?”

Raymond attempted to gauge whether or not his husband was jealous. He decided that either way would probably end favorably for him. He had just had a shower and Kevin was brushing his teeth quite thoroughly, always a good sign. He pictured them either sharing a loving embrace or Kevin doing that thing with his tongue again.

“Peralta made me do it.” He admitted, putting on his reading glasses though he had no intention of reading. Kevin often remarked that they made him look ‘stately’ and after being convinced that no that did not mean old it meant distinguished…and honestly, the way Kevin said ‘distinguished’…it sent chills up his spine. It reminded him of when they were on what Raymond considered their honeymoon and Kevin had been reading aloud the names of candles and gotten to Mahogany Teakwood. God. He was a lucky man.  
A very lucky man that night. They bought the candle.

Kevin nonsensically imagined a New Yorker cartoon with him looking disapprovingly at Raymond, arms crossed. Raymond pointed emphatically towards something in the distance. “Peralta made me do it.” the caption read. 

“I see. Harebrained scheme?” Raymond frowned.  
“I really dislike this image of me you have as some sort of shyster.”  
“I view you more as the unwitting participant in your squads’ schemes.”  
Raymond laughed softly.

“That is an…accurate assessment.” He suddenly got a flashback of himself plotting for the upcoming Halloween heist in their darkened study, drawing up diagrams and chuckling with ill-intentioned genius.

“Raymond?” Kevin called, snapping him out of that grim memory.  
“Yes?”

Kevin exited the bathroom. He looked striking and sensual in his robe that hung open to reveal his collared pajama set monogrammed in gold. He was a vision. Sex on two legs.  
Kevin looked towards a vent and pulled the fabric closer to his body.  
“Please turn off the air conditioning, we have fans for a reason.”  
“Ah.” Raymond sighed.

“Also, would you like to have sex?” His husband asked, advancing towards the bed.  
“Yes.” Raymond breathed, opening his arms slightly to make room for the other body.

“Wonderful.” Kevin looked into his eyes for a moment before smiling softly, fleeting and perfect as all smiles should be. Though Raymond wouldn’t mind if Kevin smiled for 5, hell even 10 seconds.

“I love you.” He said, kissing him before ducking his head down, hand reaching for the drawstring of his husband’s pajama pants.  
“I love you as well.” Raymond replied, reaching for the lubricant.


	2. Bach Boys (But Pronounced like Bawk)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terry and Holt come to Holt's house piss drunk and require assistance. Enter Kevin.

“Keviiin!” Called Holt as Terry sushed him, stumbling into the foyer as Cheddar sprinted around the two of them with excitement. “I’m drunk!” He declared cheerfully.

“He’s gonna kill us!” Terry loudly whispered, leaning against the door frame to stay upright. He had gotten into a taxi with Holt because he had no confidence that he’d be able to make it home in one piece. This was immediately proven correct as Holt kept repeatedly insisting ‘home’ when the driver asked him ‘where to?’ and Terry had had to step in to stop a fight. Unfortunately, when the cab stopped he had gotten out reflexively and the driver took no time zooming off. So, he was stranded.

A light came on upstairs and Holt began the arduous task of removing his shoes, having to sit on the floor to avoid falling over. Cheddar took the opportunity to attempt to lick his face and nip at his hands which Holt tolerated, too focused on the task at hand to bother trying to shoo him away.

Terry groaned as he heard a door upstairs open. Kevin was a nice guy and polite as hell but Terry had no idea what his reaction would be to seeing two trashed people bumbling around his foyer with a toddler’s grasp of their own limbs. Besides, he was pretty sure they'd woken him up. Also, paranoid Terry was a symptom of him drinking with Tenacious Ray who had a nasty habit of walking very steadfastly in one direction, stopping, wondering out loud where he was, and then walking in a completely different direction. It was one of the reasons Terry had given up on taking any mode of transportation that wasn't a one-and-done stop at his house.

“Seems it was a good party.” Kevin remarked, watching from the bottom of the stairs. He was sitting with his legs firmly together, back ramrod straight and hands folded neatly in his lap. Raymond laughed as he slipped both shoes off and couldn’t devise a method on how to get up. Terry thought he saw a smile flick across Kevin’s face and was relieved that he didn't seem angry though he had absolutely been woken up judging by his slightly messy hair and pajamas.

Holt nodded, attempting to struggle to his feet by utilizing the wall. “It was. It was a raucous occasion. Baller, even.” Terry stood with his mouth agape at Holt using the world 'baller' in a sentence. Maybe he’d misheard and he’d said ‘Mahler’? It seemed like a very Holt thing to do.  
“Yes…” Kevin said, definitely smiling. “Baller indeed. Now,”

He stood up with what seemed to be supernatural speed to the two men gaping at him and helped his husband to his feet. “Up you go...careful of the dog...one foot in front of the other..” he coaxed, walking with him to the nearest couch where he let him down gently. 

"Comfortable?" Asked Kevin who in response received a kiss on the hand and a sloppy wink. "Oh you." He sighed in a wistful monotone which Terry hadn't known existed until he'd befriended Holt and had to hear him talk about 'the bygone era of downbeat music' for a full hour.

He startled as Kevin turned to look at him. “Do you require assistance walking as well?” Terry shook his head. 

“Nah Terry’s great at walking!” He said, taking a step and immediately falling on his ass. Holt laughed from the couch.  
"Terry may need a little help!"

A few minutes of Kevin insisting that Terry CAN'T be using his legs and to please START using legs and Terry insisting “I am!! I swear I’m using these things!!” they finally reached the couch and managed to dump Terry beside Holt. 

“You should call your wife to come pick you up Sargent.” Kevin suggested, stretching his back and making a pained sound. 

“Nooo.”  
“...Why?” He asked, annoyance seeping into his tone. Terry made a vague gesture of worry.  
“She has th’ kids don’t wanna wake her and the kids AND the entire neighborhood because the kids will be cranky and I’ll need to uh..it’ll be…”

Kevin sighed heavily. “I understand. At least send her an SMS message to let her know you’re safe.”

“Okay, should I tell her I’m drunk?” Terry asked loudly, taking out his phone and reading the message he began typing out loud. “Heeey honey I’m sleeping with the captain and his husband-”

“I’ll craft the message.” Said Kevin, hurriedly snatching the phone away despite feeble protests. 

After Kevin had given Terry back his phone with a side-comment about maybe checking his emails more,  
(“There’s only five unread!” he protested  
“Dear god man FIVE!?” Exclaimed Holt who had previously been staring blankly into space. “Were you recently in a coma!?”)  
He left and returned with two bottles of water, insisting that the two of them drink as much as they possibly could. 

“I don’t want water.” Holt refused, trying to uncap the bottle despite this. “You’re a monster…”  
“Mm.”  
“A villain of the highest order.”  
“Mm.”  
“A…Kevin will you open this for me?”  
“Certainly.”

Terry looked on as Kevin uncapped the bottle with ease and handed it back to his husband. “Be careful, it’s very full.” he teared up and couldn’t help but sigh happily.

“Awww you two are so cute!” Kevin made a noise of discontent as Holt immediately spilled water on himself. “Terry loves love! Especially you twosses.”

“If you love me you’ll drink the water Sargent.”  
“Kevin will you love me if I drink the water?” Holt chimed in.  
“I already…” He paused thoughtfully. “Yes.” 

Terry smirked as Holt began drinking the water.  
“Captain you’re acting just like my girls!”  
“...I’m...adorable?” Holt managed, giving Terry an indecipherable look. “Terrance. My husband’s here. Have some shame.”

“I know that man!!” Terry shouted. “I just said I love your love, Terry ain’t a homewrecker!!” Holt looked unconvinced but shrugged, spilling more on himself.

“Let’s all calm down and drink some water.” Kevin suggested, tilting his husband’s hand back up to his mouth to encourage this.

“Forget it, I don’t want to drink the water!”  
“Sargent, drink the water.”  
“No, you can’t make me.” He refused, crossing his arms and looking away from Kevin who sighed as Holt muttered ‘what an infant’ under his breath.

“What kind of example are you setting for your girls?” Kevin tried.  
“My girls aren’t here right now. You can’t manipulate me like this dumbass over here.” He gestured towards Holt who looked in the direction he pointed for whoever he was calling a dumbass.

“My husband is not-......Sargent.” Kevin said, voice tempering into something low and scheming as he leaned forward. “Would you like something to go with that water?”

“...Maybe. What d’you got?”  
“Why, Yogurt. Of course.” Terry perked up, eyes meeting Kevin’s which were narrowed in fiendish delight.  
“Greek?” Asked Terry, voice getting dreamy. He'd been hooked.

“Certainly. Fruit on the bottom~” Kevin replied. Holt watched his husband cajole Sargent Jeffords into drinking water like some sort of hot garden-of-Eden snake. God, he so was drunk.  
“Well...ok.”  
“Good.” Kevin said, standing to retrieve the bargaining chip as his voice fell flat again. “Drink up you two, it’s bedtime after this.”

“But-”  
“No. Noo. Lights out.” Came the icy reply. The two men shuddered. 

“Captain...your husband is scary as hell.” Holt nodded, finishing his water and setting it sideways on the table so that it rolled off and fell to the ground.  
“Yes..." He agreed, staring forlornly at the bottle. "Also he has a fantastic ass.”

The two of them were far too drunk to make it up the stairs safely and so it was quickly decided that they would sleep in the living room. Kevin made up a bed on the couch (for their guest) and floor (for Raymond) and after refusing to give in to the sargent’s pleas for more yogurt, was finally able to turn out the lights and breathe a sigh of relief. A sigh that had to be cut short as he heard Raymond shout his name when he was halfway up the stairs.

“Kevin!” He rushed back into the room to see that Raymond was sitting up in bed staring towards the door. Terry, apparently using the parental skill of being a light or heavy sleeper depending on whether or not his kids were in the room, didn't even stir.

“Yes?” Kevin asked, head bobbing from exhaustion. He had been awoken by a similar shout and the deja vu was unpleasant. He forgot how tired he was however the moment he saw his husband’s face bloom into a wide, loving smile. 

“You’re golden.” He said, lying back down to sleep. His voice was soft and calm as he continued. “Twenty four carrots gold.” 

Kevin waited for an elaboration and rolled his eyes good naturedly when all that followed was loud snoring. Cheddar waddled in to investigate the noise and was immediately picked up by Kevin as he spun on his heels towards the stairs. He loved Raymond so much and appreciated how kind the Sargent had been to take care of him the entire night despite his own state of miserable intoxication. 

He made his way up the stairs, bringing Cheddar along so that the dog wouldn’t wake the two of them before it was time. Judging by their behavior he was certain they would wake up with horrific hangovers. He would be waking them up himself, he decided as he closed the door to their bedroom and set an alarm for 6 am. Breakfast was going to be QUITE loud that morning.


	3. Beach Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holt goes to the beach for a weekend and comes home.

“Peralta has invited me on an excursion.” Kevin was dusting. They had many items and they often attempted to accumulate dust. He didn’t know where in the world it was all coming from since they vacuumed regularly - well, they had _someone_ vacuum regularly. Raymond had called him in the middle of this task and he fought off a sneeze before answering.

“Anywhere Peralta wishes to go on a whim is sure to be dismal. Are you calling for me to arrange an out for you?”  
“No, I am eager to go.” Kevin paused.

“Raymond. Be honest. Does he have a gun to your head?”  
“Be serious.”  
“I am.” He smiled as Raymond struggled to contain his laughter. Ah, Peralta was in the car with him then. That certainly explained the horrible noise in the background. He guessed it might be...some attempt at music?

“I just wanted to call and say that I’ll be gone for the weekend. I’m sorry, I know we had that cooking for one class scheduled.”  
“It’s alright, it can be rescheduled.”  
“Or you could go alone.”

“Going to a cooking for one class alone only invites lonely _singles._ " He said, voice dripping with contempt. "I can see the same level of desperation by dangling a brioche above Cheddar’s head. Only Cheddar doesn’t have lipstick on his teeth” Another stifled laugh. Kevin chuckled, proud of himself. 

“And what outing is this? A weekend trip?”  
“Yes, the one the squad has been planning.”  
“Oh, yes.” The golfing story. “Are you certain?”  
“Yes. I was invited.” 

Kevin nearly pressed further, he didn’t know of any way it would _not_ be awkward to have your boss accompany you on a weekend trip, but then he thought of Raymond. He sounded so excited...and besides, he thought with a smirk, the image of Amy panicking when she saw him in the doorway was incredibly funny.

“Alright, I will be thinking of you. Have fun.”  
“I will. I love you.”  
“I love you as well. Bring back something for Cheddar, he misses you.”  
“He is a dog.”  
“He’s very intelligent. He’s an empath.”  
“Ah, I see. Well, it can’t be helped then. Goodbye.”  
“Goodbye.”

Kevin hung up the phone and sighed, looking down at the dog in question who had waddled over at the sound of his name. “Are you going to assist me in cleaning?” He asked. Cheddar tilted his head. “I thought not.”

__________

When Raymond returned Sunday night he was aglow with satisfaction. Kevin was sitting by the fireplace reading a book one of his dear friends had recently released, a red pen close at hand for any niggling errors he might spot.

“Welcome back.” He called, distracted. “How was your trip?”  
“Very good. Did you get your hair cut?”  
Kevin rolled his eyes and sighed. “What’s there to cut?”

“Don’t be like that.” Raymond said, sitting down beside him and propping his husband’s legs up over his knees. “You look very handsome.”

Kevin peered at him from over the pages of his book, smiling slightly. He enjoyed when Raymond was like this, it was very Romeo of him. 

When they were young he might come home to find Ray dancing through their apartment and the moment he was spotted he’d be pulled in to join. He treasured the memories of when the music would slow and they would sway wherever they were; Leaning against each other, tired from the day and the dance. _“At laaaast…"_ Raymond would croon, looking into Kevin’s eyes. _“My looove has come home…”_

“You’re in a good mood.” Kevin remarked mildly.  
Raymond sighed. “Being sequestered away with my squad has made me realize two things.”  
“Hm?”  
“The first is that I feel that I finally have colleagues who appreciate me for me. In a word, friends. This trip cemented that feeling.”  
“That’s wonderful.”  
“The second is that friends are insufferable idiots and I much prefer you.”

Kevin laughed, raising his arms in order to allow his husband to duck under his book and kiss his neck. “I’m reading!” He protested playfully. He could feel Raymond's smile against his skin.  
“Then keep reading~”  
“You know I can’t!”  
“Quitter.” Kevin laughed louder, Raymond’s own laughter coming out as breath that tickled him, inciting more laughter.  
Kevin lowered the book over their heads and kissed his husband. It was pleasant, the kiss and the scent of the pages.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If Kevin had a game similar to Holt's "Real or Fake?" incredibly dry and humorless statements it would be Kevin's endless roasting of people and an occasional literature reference.


End file.
